I Beat Obesity

Since I wrote my first blog entry almost a year ago, being thin has gotten much easier. Just kidding.  People are still rude.

In case you've never been around me long enough to notice, I have a somewhat smartass-ish sense of humor ---- dry, sarcastic, whatever you want to call it.  Anyway, so I bought my new favorite shirt recently.  It says, “I BEAT OBESITY.”  Am I trying to be a smart ass?  Absolutely.  If people make fun of you long enough for something, you’re bound to be one too.  Did I actually beat obesity?  If you think I haven’t, you've obviously never seen my Michelin Man thighs I had as a baby/toddler.   It was safe to assume back then that I was well on my way to the Lane Bryant way of living.  So...of course I beat it.  Last question:  Was I just (again) trying to be a smart ass with the last part of this paragraph?  Maybe.  Onward…

So I’m wearing this I BEAT OBESITY tank yesterday at my sister’s league tennis match (yawn), right?  Right.  I knew people were going to stare, make comments, and possibly laugh.  One fellow underweight person even told me congratulations and asked me where I bought such a wonderful shirt.  BUT THEN...there was this other lady.  I don’t like this lady.  She was sitting on a bench with her friend who laughed and said, “I’ll say you beat obesity for sure.”  Then the terrible lady said, “Yeah.  More like...you look anorexic.”  No.

If really you know me, you’re probably expecting the next sentence to be the quick witted comeback I fired at her.  I wanted to say something along the lines of, “Listen, lady.  I got that shit enough in high school, and I don’t need it from some orange bitch who should think twice before she gets in the tanning bed next time” because she seriously looked like a wrinkled version of The Great Pumpkin.  But none of that happened.  I was way too shocked to do anything.  It was like one of those moments of disbelief you've probably experienced where you feel like you’re in a dream for a millisecond and your body goes numb for a tiny bit longer than that.  I honestly felt like crying for about 5 seconds...which is a big deal for me when it’s a situation not involving animal cruelty.

I know I was probably “asking for it” with that shirt, but that’s no excuse to tell me I don’t eat when you don’t even know me.  What this lady didn't seem to understand about me is that maybe I’m proud I’m not bigger.  Maybe I have a health problem that makes me super skinny and also makes my metabolism faster than that slut we all knew in high school.  Maybe that’s why I wear that shirt.  And is it okay that I’m proud I’m not bigger?  Absolutely.  People say they’re proud to be “full-figured,” and others applaud and support them.  I’m not asking for anyone’s support anymore.  I’m just asking you not to be assholes.  Thanks.

More Zeros, Please

   After reading an article posted about J. Crew’s new size, 000, it has come to my attention that there are too many idiots in this world.

  

   Here’s a problem. People walk up to me all the time and say stupid, inconsiderate things like, "Oh my God! You need to eat!" Or it might be something like, "You should eat a(n) (insert unhealthy and fattening food here)." I’m here to tell you...that’s rude. I don’t go up to bigger people and say, "Holy shit! You need to eat a salad!" Why? Because that’s rude.

   

    All of the thicker people out there who want to insult the thin ones, maybe you should think before you speak next time.  It's worth mentioning that I have no problem with bigger folks, but it's a two-sided situation.  You aren't the only ones struggling here, so please get over it.  If we can have plus-size clothing in stores, we can have 000.

    Here is the article.  But before we get started here, I want to make it clear that I’m siding with J. Crew on this one. Let me tell you a little bit about myself.

   I’m a woman. 23 years old. 5' 6." 95 pounds. Do I eat? Yes. Do I eat more than most people? So I’m told. Do I make myself puke after I eat? Nope. So wait...what’s wrong with me?! Nothing. I’m just smaller than most people. I always have been, and maybe I always will be. Who knows? But this hating skinny people thing HAS to stop.    

   Anyway. Another thing. When people post things on social media that say, "Bones are for dogs. Not men," that's offensive. That's like me saying, "Blubber is for whales. Not men." Raise your hand if you are a bigger/fat/curvy girl who just got offended.    

  

   The point is...I can't help that I'm skinny. Believe me, if I could easily gain weight, I would pack on about 20 pounds in a heartbeat. Here's a challenge. Go to a store. I don't care which store. Try to find plus size pants. They come in normal length, short length, and long length. Oh, and look at all of those shirts that are XXL. Easy, right? Okay, well now let's try to find some different items. And I'm not talking about online. I'm talking about IN A STORE. Okay. Find a size 00 Long in pants. I'm not an idiot. I know people aren't going to do this unless they want to be like, "Oh, I found a pair! Take that, girl on the internet whose post was read by 11 people." So, to save you the trouble of researching, here's the thought process during a shopping adventure like this. "Ehhh....not too much luck. Oh, wait. Here's a pair! Well, they're regular length. They might work, though. Let's see. Still too big. Damn. Maybe my granny can alter them for me to make the waist smaller. But the length. Ugh. It's like fourth grade all over again. Where's the flood? Oh, well. Better luck next time." And that happens with the next 26 pairs of jeans until you finally settle with some because you need them...but they still don't look right on you at all.   

  

  Wait.  I know why I'm so skinny.  My health habits. Here we go. I don't really exercise. I occasionally walk  and play non-competitive tennis once in a blue moon.  I run when flying bugs chase me. That's the extent of it. I have a loving relationship with Netflix and any form of bread. I also enjoy a good beer every once in a while. So THAT'S how I'm so skinny. I'm a health nut. NO. WRONG.  People can be skinny without trying. ACCEPT IT. We need clothes that fit us, too.

   Skinny people, be proud.  The curvy crew is praised when they flaunt what they have.  They even make jokes about being bigger, and everyone says, "Oh, look at that girl loving her body. So confident!  Love it!  Go, girl!"  Well, why can't we do the same?  Why can't I be seen in a bikini without hearing something along the lines of beanpole, chopstick legs, or skinny-mini. (The last one is the absolute worst.  I don't go around calling people fatty-watty.  Dumb.)  So it's okay if we embrace that our ribs might stick out farther than our boobs.  We can love that we are able to look at the ground without anything blocking our view.  And, most of all, we can brag if we feel like it.  We have the right to love our bodies even if they aren't "womanly" or "curvy." I'm just as womanly as everyone else when it comes to my body.  However, I am a bit modest, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

   So  thanks to J. Crew for making this new size of theirs. Maybe I'll finally be able to find some pants that fit...in the waist at least (the length situation still needs work). That's all the time for ranting I have at the moment. I have a Butterfinger and a pack of Gushers waiting for me.

And if you know of anyone interested in a pile of bones...I'm available.

    

    Oh, and if anyone knows of any dogs that are interested in a pile of bones......I'm available.